Make us laugh

Why do cats eat the heads off of mice then leave them in your bed?

 

I was born by major powerlines. I think the energy field messed with my chromosomes.

 

There are some gold nuggets here

 

Me driving with glasses AND night-vision goggles over them.

 

That’s four eyes right there!

 

I’ve never used a dishwasher. And frankly I’m scared of them.

 

I’m mean I’ve installed dozens. Have a brand new unused one here. No room in my kitchen.

 

I got bats in the chimney! They chirp on and off all night. There hasn’t been a fire started in 40 years.

 

Geez, got a phone call some pregnant lady with wolves is getting kicked out of maryland and her husbands in jail. And the dogs are in a kennel, and I gotta listen to this call for a half hour. Now she is taking in another wolf here and she can’t even walk barley I says rent out a room it’s a huge house but no not here. It’s like hey you lost power for two weeks with no heat u need someone living there. Now I can only hunt squirrels there I’m like dammit that’s ok I already have another farm to deer hunt see what I have to deal with!

 

Deer are scrubs there anyways the neighbor rides his 4 wheeler around my stand!

 

Now now, no deer is a scrub. The big one hangs in the soybean field down the street. I just have not gotten enough courage to ask for huntin permission. It has a grass airstrip too.

 

I think the paint finally dried on the Ford, it’s been 36 years.

 

Not funny- the owners husband blew his head off, and where I’m huntin now the husband blew his head off, stay strong everyone!

 

I’m never driving through Richmond again. The place smells like shit so bad you have to turn AC off and hold your breath!

 

No wonder the James is the most contaminated river in the US.

 

China ran out of water.

 

You seem to be dominating this topic, which is fine...BUT none of your posts are making anyone laugh, so what's up with that???

You might want to try and post a joke or two!

 

LOL

 

My wife asked me if I had seen the dog bowl. I said I had no idea he could....

 

The grade school teacher while standing at her desk asks her class..."if any of you feel that you're stupid, stand up".... a minute goes by and finally little Johnny stands up...the teacher asks.."Johnny do you really think that you're stupid?"...little Johnny says..." No Ma'ma but I didn't want you to feel bad standing there all by yourself!!"

 

Question:

How does a tree get on the internet?

Answer:

They just log.....on....

 

My wife took her shirt off when I was winning an argument.
It was a booby trap.

 

My wife still thinks I’m sexy.
Every time I walk by she says,
What an ass.

 

I do have a great ass.

 

I’m gonna wear my chaps with bikini bottoms and hot dog the Harley through town.

 

Looks like SR5-Limited’s reign of terror is over. It’s all fun in games until someone does a u-turn 20 feet in front of you and your pinned in the left lane by a curb.

 

Guy hands me two gold coins.
A 2 1/2 and 5 dollar piece
I says “how much do you want”
He says “At least face value”
I says “OK”

 

Guy hands me a 1ct Diamond ring
Real nice color and no inclusions
I says “how much do you want”
He says “at least a 100 dollars”
I says “OK”
I was gonna sell it for $3500, but the next day his mom dragged him in and I gave it back to her.

 

O’ya then this Mexican brought in a gold chain that weighed about a pound. And he picked it up a few times.
Until he switched it out with brass and my coworker didn’t test it!!!

 

$8 dollars a hour.