Make us laugh

Funniest jokes please.

 

Hang on, let me go take a pic of my pay stub...

 

Haha

 

Probably belongs in the "Funny Pictures" thread, but hey, here ya go. Have a good laugh, y'all.

If we can't laugh at ourselves, what CAN we laugh at?

Have fun, all!
Pat☺

Edit: I've lost nearly 20 lbs, just so ya know. Still fat, just not AS fat

 

I made Jambalaya last night, but only had Sausage and Okra.

It wasn't great wasn't bad... just kinda 'meaty okra'.

 

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked into the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I mean two-by-fours." "All right. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

 

Wow sir, you are only 62 years young. I always thought you were older than the Phantom

 

I pictured you fixing Phantoms when they returned from sorties over Vietnam

 

Almost. I DID work on Phantoms, just missed Viet Nam by a couple years. The squadron I was stationed in was THE Phantom training squadron. They got assigned to Phantoms out of Basic Flight school, they came to Yuma. We had over 30 planes, so we had plenty of work to keep us busy. One weekend out of every 4 was a certain work weekend. We had 3 crews working 24/7, and every Duty Section weekend.
College education to break em, high-school education to fix em, as we used to say.

Plus, when they had one that just couldn't "get it", we had to train the RIOs on how the Radar worked, which they SHOULD have known before they sat down in the plane in the first place, so we had to keep our benches working as well as we could. Just added to the workload.
I discovered I am a lousy teacher, although I turned out to be a pretty good Rifle/Pistol instructor, later in my career. Maybe very junior Officers just make lousy students. I know some had a real 'arrogance" problem. Especially the "Ring Knockers". The ones that went to an Academy of some sort. That usually faded away fairly rapidly, when they realized some low-life, enlisted puke (their attitude) knew more than they did about the entire reason why they were even IN the plane in the first place.

Shutting up now. Have fun, all!
Pat☺

 

From before I got a tetanus shot.

 

That’s my drivers license photo.

 

You try not drinking for 18 years!?

 

Hello toyota

 

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”


My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us." If you’re in Denny’s and it's your birthday, your life sucks!

The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.

On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

 

Toyota jumping a Ford?

 

Gosh, it looks to me like the Toyota is just sitting there, wheels firmly planted on the ground. Not jumping anything, let alone a Ford.

I'm not going to believe it, until I see the Toyota flying over that Ford. I believe it CAN, being a Toyota, I just want to actually SEE it.

Yeah, I know I'm being silly, but we all need to be a little silly, once in a while.
Have fun, all!
Pat☺

 

I can make all u MF cry by typing a few short sentences.

 

I have a good construction joke I've been working on but it's not quite finished.

 

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CeNMHetFz2F/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

 

I just detailed two broke down Camaros.

 

And I gotta flat on the Corolla.

 

When you guys have a tire patched and it takes all day. Do you think they would check the tire pressure before giving to the customer?

 

I’m going to Ukraine to bust a Russian tank. Who’s with me?

 

Puttin is dead he has cancer.

 

People say I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.

 

I won my wife in a strip poker game.

 

Ask me where my ring is









bottom of the lake

 

Inspect before you buy program?

 

Maybe I will do an oil analysis. That’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard.lol

 

Ya my friend won his there too. He is still a carpenter making good money. I was good but never made money and they started sending me meth addicts for help